Since I’m a woman and I write nasty, cruel, humiliation, torture BDSM erotica about unfortunate victimized women, many assume I’m a dominant. The fact is that the submissive victims in my tales are all me. The victims are always me, even if they’re a teen, slim or male. But their psyches are very much my own. They are all flawed, masochistic creatures with suppressed needs to be punished, humiliated and sexed. They all have an “inner slut”—and in my stories, this is always forced to the light.
Punishment, torture, humiliation and gross forced sex acts are the central spine in my porn tales. Why I like such things, I am not sure. I am not a psychologist; someone more qualified would have to explain it. But, there are plenty of villains… cruel Asiatic soldiers, sadistic black men, prison guards, corrupt cops, pirates and backwoods rednecks in my stories forcing women to do disgusting things.
My heroines seem to crave sexual humiliation. Sometimes they are whipped or subjected to torture first. Eventually they are raped and sodomized. Occasionally they are coerced into extremely degrading acts like bestiality. More than their bodies, it is their minds and souls which are raped.
What I look like…
For the record, I am divorced and live in a small town outside a major city in the USA. I have been told I am attractive, but I am not one of those skinny models. I am full-figured at 5’2” and 160 lbs. My measurements are 38C-31-42; and I wear a size 14 dress. My hands and feet are small (shoe size 6); and I have good teeth, dark brown hair worn just below my shoulders and brown eyes. I am hairy and my nipples and areolas are large and brown.
Older men like to say I am voluptuous and rubenesque. But I know that most guys like girls who are twenty, tall and slim. That’s not me. I was a tomboy when I was young. Then around ten, I became a ‘girly’ girl, interested in dolls, clothes, make-up and boys.
As far as sex was concerned, my libido was always turbocharged. I must have a lot of testosterone as I began to masturbate when I was only seven. When I was ten, I used to put my pillow between my legs and ride it. This was a very easy position and I did it that way for years. But, I discovered early on that no one wants a girl with a high sex drive or too interested in sex. If she is highly sexed, then her value as a potential mate and mother suffers in the mind of society.
Men get the message early that really sexual women are bad. They even have a name for us: ‘nymphomaniacs’. So, I struggled for years trying to understand and live with my feelings. And if you like to be treated rough that is even worse. We are a rare breed. Janet Hardy—publisher of BDSM books at Greenery Press once said: “I’ve met very few female humiliation bottoms, but there are some out there.” I am one.
What makes me tick
Here is the key to what makes me tick as a BDSM author. Like so many key pieces to people, it is to be found in childhood. An older male cousin would sometimes wrestle me to the ground and hold me down to spit saliva into my mouth. I hated and loved him. But when I was a kid I found this treatment excited me. And then when I was eleven and on the way home from school a group of boys began teasing me in a sexual way about my breasts, just starting to develop. At one point, the oldest grabbed me by the arm and told me I was a little slut. And he would punish me for it. Then he let me go.
I used to daydream that he took me and made me do ‘bad things’. This is what drives my fantasies today—that I’m punished and/or forced to do humiliating, nasty, sex acts and I respond. Pain? I am not really into pain; but the thought of torture inflames my imagination. For me, it is a more a means to an end. I need to be punished or tortured first and then made to do degrading and disgusting things. The shame and humiliation I then feel is a huge turn-on for me.
I dated in high school and had a steady boyfriend for a while. We experimented with sex, but I did not let him go ‘all the way’. Something about him just did not click with me. I now know that he was a nice guy, but too ‘vanilla’. I enjoyed it when boys pushed me into giving them blowjobs. I always acted like I did not want to do it; but I became excited when a guy grabbed me by my hair and forced me down. Then I could let myself go, suck his cock and let him cum in my mouth with pleasure.
I discovered that pornography turned me on when I was 18 and entering college. I stumbled across an erotic book section in a mall bookstore. There were lots of books, including the ‘romance’ type, but the ones that attracted me were stories about women being punished, abused and raped. I was in heaven and guiltily chose an anthology of stories from a famous 19th century English pornographer and bdsm author.
And the fact that I found it in a regular bookstore allowed me to buy it without too much fuss or guilt. The cover was not graphic and that helped. That the clerk was a girl made it easier too. I paid for it quickly, hoping I would not run into anyone I knew and rushed home to read it. It was full of Victorian guilt with themes of bondage and discipline. It set me on fire.
I often, in those days, scoured the library for books about Indians torturing female captives and tales of Romans torturing female slaves or Christians; or witches suffering at the hands of the Inquisition. I always imagined that the men in charge tortured the women and forced them to perform sexually. I had growing thoughts about being humiliated and forced. I began to dream up my own scenes and some of them, surprising even to me, involved quite a bit of torture.
What changed me
My sexuality blossomed when I got to college, and as a freshman, had an affair with a professor who was 41. I lost my virginity to him in more ways than one. He took control of me and for two years introduced me to the darker side of sex. He had a big cock and an ego to match. He made me measure him once—his uncircumcised cock was long and thick. He liked to face-fuck me like I was a whore, making me gag and drool. I still love it that way.
When he fucked me the first time with that big dick, I had difficulty taking him; but soon I found out how good sex could be when he made me take it all. My orgasms with him were over the top. When he fucked me, he went so deep and stretched me so much I thought I had died and gone to heaven. The orgasms throbbed and pulsed thru me in big, hot waves. They went from my pussy down my thighs, up into my stomach and then all the way to my breastbone.
He was rough with me too—slapping my face and my tits and pinching and pulling my nipples. He also liked to spank me with a bath brush that had a wicked concave head. He would make me go without panties and humiliate me when I got wet for being a ‘slut’. He made me perform on demand and called me names: ‘fat pig’, ‘whore’ or ‘shit-hole slut’. He let my friends know I was his slave. He liked to whip my anus and then sodomize me. “So you’re red on the outside and red on the inside like a two-dollar whore,” is what he would say to me.
He liked to ejaculate and even urinate on me. If I displeased him, he made me stand in a corner with my skirt up and my panties down. Then he would paddle or whip me. Sex with him was so very good. He even began to share me with his friends. I have always felt that if someone forces you, you are not responsible. The thought of being forced to do the dirtiest things always got my blood boiling and my panties wet and gooey.
I got married but we were not in sync when it came to money and sex. I chose the wrong man. I was a saver and he was a spender. When it came to sex, I was ‘chocolate’ and he was ‘vanilla’.
How I play with myself
I love to masturbate and enjoy inserting things into my vagina as part of playing with myself—sometimes pretty big things. Straddling a jelly dildo so that it runs the length of my pussy from my clit to my asshole is fun for me. I wriggle back and forth so my sensitive bits rub on the slick shaft as it slides between my sex lips. Of course, I have a few favorite dildos and vibrators, which I buy mail order.
I also like to get my fingers wet with K-Y Jelly and saliva (or Crisco®) and put them in my asshole. Now that I am older, my interest in such things has not waned. If anything, my sex drive is stronger. Some nights, I write, go online to research and masturbate. I have had some lovers who play with me hard. But, most times the sex is never as good as my fantasies. I think that many women who write about sex do so because real life sex often disappoints.
With some men, I am capable of having multiple orgasms. For me, there are three different types of orgasms. When my nipples and clit are stimulated my orgasms are 4 or 5 on a 10 scale. When I’m fucked and have an orgasm—I would say it is a 5 or a 6 if he is on the small side. But if a man with an average sized cock is very hard and erect so he points “up” and presses against my G-spot, the orgasms are better. I cum very hard when a man with a big dick fucks me. I have discovered that there are men with cocks who can really open a woman.
I admit I am a bit of a size queen. But I love all cocks and cum. A cock in my ass often gets me to cum if it presses on my G-spot and the urethral sponge thru the membrane separating my rectum from my vagina. My internal dimensions seem to make this easy. And when men find that I am a ‘shit-hole slut’ it seems to bring out their nasty side.
I can gush and squirt sometimes when I cum. When I am really aroused, I leak. I call it my ‘faucet’. I have also had a man rape my mouth so hard that it makes me vomit. I know this is sort of gross, but the thought always drives me crazy. How about the shame of having men ejaculate on my face. Or piss on me. Sometimes even in my mouth. In my stories, I really identify with the characters I create. There is a lot of me in them.
But, here’s the main fantasy playing in my head: I am someone who has broken the rules or done something bad and I must be punished. Of course, I’m sentenced to be exhibited. This idea from reading books about people punished in the stocks and the pillory in the middle ages in Europe. I picture men being rough with me. When I resist, they grab me by my hair. I imagine that they slap my face. The men are mostly young and sometimes, I imagine that they are the boys who used to tease me when I was in Junior High. I see myself like a martyr or a victim—and this is the state of mind I need to reach orgasm.
Punished and shamed
I have always liked this scenario in particular: The heroine betrays someone and in retaliation she is sentenced to be shamed and disciplined. They strip and tie her to a wagon wheel and then humiliate her by spreading her cheeks to expose her private parts to the onlookers. Following this, the man who was to whip her, spends time “mortifying her.” I understood immediately when I first read this that he finger-fucked the girl in front of the mob and makes her cum. Then he whips her. This story line suggests that afterwards the jailers abuse her. I imagine that they make her perform the grossest sex acts. These types of stories kept me masturbating happily for years.
I am capable about fantasizing about the grossest things. I am forced to have a bowel movement in public. They are going to make me shit in front of everyone. First, a man takes his time working a suppository into my rectum. I try to will it not to affect me, but soon, I feel the need to ‘go’. Being degraded this way—having someone take control of my bodily functions is very erotic for me. First, it creates a twitching sensation around my anus and my muscles get tense. I wriggle to relieve the pressure and picture the men looking at me as I struggle. I concentrate on my sphincter to keep from pooping. I picture looking back over my shoulder and seeing the nasty grins of those in the crowd—waiting for me to shit! I have to clench my sphincter and this makes me feel it in my pussy. I picture everyone watching and making bets as to when I lose control. I beg them to let me go. The men laugh and taunt me… telling me to shit so that everyone can see what a dirty little pig I am. The pressure on my anus becomes unbearable.
Pretty wild and crazy
Finally, I cannot stand it anymore. I squat and the crowd watches me have a complete BM. My face is red from embarrassment. I cum and cum from this fantasy. Pretty gross… huh? I imagine scenarios where I am bound to a whipping post and flogged. And occasionally, I fantasize about being made to accept a canine or equine penis. Is this perverted or what? I am a good girl, yet these things turn me on. I guess I am not your typical middle-class woman. But who knows what all those suburban mothers are fantasizing about?
I like share my fantasies online with people who are like-minded. Writing has helped me get in touch with my feelings as a BDSM author. Early on, I saw the negative reaction I got from some people. Now I only open up to those who are as twisted as I am. I enjoy writing and have met people online from all over the world who are even more perverted than me. Cheers!
Contact me @ firstname.lastname@example.org